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"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
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| 2009 |
[
December 11th, 2009 7:04pm ] |
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
felt happy for more than 12 hours consecutively, had someone i truly loved die, felt hope.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
just like every year, no and no.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my cousin's girlfriend.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
love you grandpa.
5. What countries did you visit?
canada.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
realistically, i just want to know what i want out of life. a little more will power, a lot more motivation, and someplace to move.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
june 29, my grandpa passed away. fuck.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
growing up while remaining young.
9. What was your biggest failure?
academics, of course... but i don't care this time around. i'm more focused on finding out what i truly love than graduating with no real purpose.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
surprisingly not. not a one.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
an iphone.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
mom and dad.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
it's better to keep my mouth shut.
14. Where did most of your money go?
bills and car problems.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
road trips. small brown bike, burning fight, california; san francisco AND santa barbara.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
see you in hell - sbb
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
working, hoping, deciding.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eating, complaining, running.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
sleeping.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
i fell in like, it continues to grow despite everyone's opinion.
23. How many one-night stands?
"it was a 26 night stand, embarrassed but i understand."
24. What was your favorite TV program?
30 rock, glee, curb your enthusiasm, it's always sunny in philadelphia, dexter, the office.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
still don't hate anyone.
26. What was the best book you read?
all of the harry potters.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
frank turner.
28. What did you want and get?
california, iphone, dog.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
cloudy with a chance of meatballs, inglourious basterds.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 24 and i got tattooed by frank and went to the casino.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more time with grandpa.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
fancy pregnant hobo.
34. What kept you sane?
burritos.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
jason segel and jeffrey dean morgan.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the smoking ban finally passing.
37. Who did you miss?
my grandpa. i will continue to do so forever.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
emmett and frank.
Who was the worst?
ryan hord.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
try.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"you know me, i could not be stuck on you if it weren't true."
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[
July 12th, 2009 1:19pm ] |
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00139/dive585-350_139554a.jpg
"there are some things people don't admit because they just don't like the way it sounds."
that quote describes the problem i struggled with seven months ago, look at where i ended up. worse off than before, waiting on an uncertain future, and stuck with a shattered view of the first half of 2009.
it's funny that before i knew, i knew. my first instinct is to always lay the blame on luck, figure i am the loser, and run for the hills. i think this time i am being realistic. i cannot let myself get too invested in the false belief that things could be different if if if. i will wait for you because i know what i feel and what i want. maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but i am sick of letting myself be the victim. i am sick of always missing someone. i am sick of being the only one without a backup plan. and i am sick of the one the ends up with the overinflated feelings. i tend to fall into these habits of blocking out the good things and allowing the bad to overtake my life. i am fairly confident i am on the way to a complete mental breakdown. i cannot and will not let that happen.
the last week i have been a wreck. crying at the drop of a hat, sick in my own skin, crawling with anxiety and indecision. broken. i lost one of the most important people in my life and all i got was a nervous breakdown, a pair of his pajamas, and an empty space in my brain where his laugh used to echo. i miss everything about my grandpa, and i know it is going to get better, just not now. last night, i felt completely rejuvenated. it started with me not even planning to get out of my car, it ended with me in laughing fits. "ayyy bad movie quotes all the time". met some randoms from canada/ california. may see them if and when i go to this is hardcore. more laughs. force me to forget what is happening in the present and i will be fine with my eyes on the future.
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| BURNING FIGHT |
[
May 4th, 2009 5:20pm ] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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around this time about 8 years ago i was walking down the streets of royal oak with my friend stuart talking about how much music meant to us, how bane echoed the thoughts in our brains and made us want to scream our lungs out for a better world and clearer head. i remember walking until it got dark only to realize we'd walked well over 7 miles. so much has changed since then. he's now a party boy bro and he didn't even remember me when i found him on myspace a few years back. i guess that these intense conversations stuck out way more on my end. the point is, so much has changed, but i still feel the same. i miss these days, but i don't want them back. i am the same kid with the same ideals, only they're stronger than ever in a world constantly trying to rope me in.
it's really hard to put into the words the feelings that emerged from me this weekend at burning fight. i tried making a top five of the bands i saw, but one moment overlaps the other and they mesh into a huge ball of positive thoughts. trial, 108, killing time, underdog, unbroken, reach the sky, bane, indecision, harms way, split lip, converge... some bands i've seen a thousand times, some never, but they all had this killer grip on my heart with every note they played. being who i am and believing what i believe has never made more sense to me. not that i was ever looking for validation, but my thoughts and hopes and dreams were all more than validated with every word out of the mouths of the people i respect the most in hardcore. they made so much more sense out of all this than i ever could. there was no bullshit, no fights, no fashion over passion, no rolling my eyes; none. i am surprised the goony smile i wore all weekend long isn't still plastered on my face, but the feelings i had there were so real, they are not going to leave as easily. i am intensely inspired and i am so proud to be a part of this... to be reminded in a big way that there are other people out there that think and care about the world the same way i do. this was meant to be.
i was also let down this weekend. what burns never returns, i guess. i have good friends, good food, and a promising future on my heels, though. i can cope.
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| ain't nobody got the blues like me... |
[
April 23rd, 2009 3:05pm ] |
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
i precede this entry with that quote cause i'm feeling particularly alone in the world lately. i shut myself out from potentially uncomfortable situations, which happens to be 99% of social gatherings, which leaves me relatively friendless, as most of my "friends" grow weary of my absence. sorry dudes. anxiety is my best friend and i can't seem to let go.
i feel like i should also make a note of the guy who, while i was at work last week, caressed my leg in an attempt to "see my tattoo" on the back of it in the elevator and then followed me upstairs where he vulgarly explained the things he'd like to do to me. does this work in any universe? it doesn't even come near being endearing and after a while it was no longer amusing or funny and just downright terrifying. i was alone in my office being sexually harassed. this whack-job could have easily had his way with me, and that is not something i'd like to think about again. it was definitely steps in the opposite direction from the boner grinding moron from years ago.
other than that, i'm trying to rearrange my house to make everything seem a little more fresh. i am tired of this place but not the people in it. i just have to figure out a way to let one work for the other and smile a little bit.
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[
March 27th, 2009 2:07am ] |
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i truly believe that some people don't deserve to be happy. maybe the bad karma that comes from believing in that statement is why i am and will never be happy myself.
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[
March 24th, 2009 8:49pm ] |
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i just hate that most days i'd rather drop dead than be alive. piles upon piles of shit. being and feeling completely alone in this world. the teen angst should have worn off years ago... what's my excuse now?
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[
March 7th, 2009 3:25pm ] |
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when will life start being fair? i am so sick of watching people who don't deserve a thing get everything they want without effort.
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| sell my old clothes |
[
February 3rd, 2009 1:56pm ] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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90% of the time i want to buy a really awesome digital camera with a fisheye lens and travel the world documenting every single step i take. i know full well this is possible. the openness and opportunity of life is what scares me the most.
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| i'm here. |
[
January 4th, 2009 3:38am ] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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"there are some things people don't admit because they just don't like the way it sounds."
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